Adam Rose

Personal details (the usual rubbish...)

Age 32 (date of birth 17-9-63), height 1.64m and still growing, weight negligible, job: Master of the Universe. (Actually a freelance technical author specialising in user guides, technical manuals and on-line help for financial markets applications and systems - if you think I can help you, call me on 0171-480 6803)

Player you think you are

A cross between Oeyvind Leonhardsen and Pele.

Player other people think you are

Dennis Wise/Ray Wilkins/Gordon Strachan/John Jensen (I've got more goals than JJ, though).

Favourite moment in football (watching)

Michael Thomas's goal v Liverpool at Anfield to win the title in 1989. Closely followed by Charlie George's winning goal in the 1971 FA Cup Final.

Favourite moment in football (when you were playing)

Arriving at St Albans to be told that I was definitely in the starting team for the scum game.

Most embarrassing moment (when you were playing)

What, me embarrassed? Never.

Most hated Scum player (ie. Tottenham Hotspur)

Shitingham.

Most hated Scum player (ie. Internet Hotspur)

Hate's really too much effort for any of them, but that fat carthorse Drabwell deserves more contempt than most - for his chivalrous sporting attitude and sense of fair play, of course.

Nastiest injury

(1) Swallowed another player's tongue in a particularly acrimonious under 7's match at primary school. The bastard! I bloody nearly choked to death.
(2) Died when a bomb exploded on the pitch in a secret wartime friendly between Arsenal and AC Milan (the match was kept quiet for propaganda reasons), in which I had scored the only (winning) goal for the Gunners at the time of my death. Since reincarnated with a much weaker shot in my left leg (must have been the shrapnel) which scuppered my chances of a second successful career as a professional footballer. Bollocks.

Greatest moment of Cybury career

Laying on the second goal against the scum (and getting to snog that sex-fiend Skeels in the celebrations).

Football-related claim to fame

• Offered Ray Wilkins some melon (which he accepted) at a post-match party, which I gatecrashed with Malcolm, after England beat Fulham 9-0 in a friendly about 1982.
• Missed one of my university final exams to play in a cup final.
• Had a beer or two with Phil Driver (ex-Chelsea).
• Got told to piss off by Kenny Sansom, who's actually a lot taller than he looks when he's playing, when trying to gatecrash party in (1).
• Play in the same team as Pete Northcott, who is a friend of Andy Hinchcliffe's.
• Got Spider's autograph in my soccer groupie days - a long time ago. Have since lost it.
• Founded Arsenal FC in a previous incarnation.
• Scored the winning goal in a secret wartime friendly between Arsenal and AC Milan in another previous incarnation (see above).
• Marco Van Basten was best man at my wedding.
• Pele is my uncle.
• Franz Beckenbauer is married to my sister.
• Liam Brady once asked me to help him perfect his volleying technique.
• When I presented the World Cup to Bobby Moore in 1966, he said to me, 'Cheers, Adam, I wouldn't have wanted to receive this from anybody else.'

Will appearing in a glossy national magazine change your life?

Nah. I've always been a primadonna.

How many Darren Skeelses are there?

Well, there's one with girly curvy legs. There's another one who can put the ball over the bar from a yard. There's one who scores the odd goal for Cybury when the mood takes him. There's another who will shag anything that smiles at him after half a pint of lager. There's one who's taking it up the pooh-shoot from James Cooper's boss. And there's at least two more who owe me a drink.

Have you got a home page on the web? If so, what address?

http://adam.rose.com/plete/footballer

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