Cybury Gooners at EuroNet96

After a two hour journey from Hertfordshire, myself and driver Tony Fullman arrived at Grove Farm early at 11am. A few squads had already arrived. Wolves and Notts County were doing some light training, and the organisers were trotting about doing admin type jobs. We were expecting a squad of sixteen to arrive. We were missing some important players, Alan Adebowale, Adam Rose, James Cooper and the Rhino Malcolm Dick were all unavailable, but we were still quietly confident of doing well.

Mark King, the charismatic stubbled Cybury right back and manager, affectionatley known as "Zorro" to the lads was the next Gooner to appear. By 12.30, only 7 people had made it. There was a delay on the M1, which also affected the QPR and Spurs teams, so we frantically tried to get our first game against the Man Utd list put off for a while. The first game in our group was already being played, a hard fought rough battle between Derby and Leeds which the Yorkshiremen won 2-0. Our game was scheduled for 1.10, and the crisis was over way before then as our squad had all made it, bar Darren Skeels who was making his way up from Stanstead airport after spending some time on the beach in Spain.

We had agreed to wear a change strip so as not to clash with the Manc scum. This was an old Arsenal yellow kit somehow in the hands of the Leeds list who had got it from Arsenal football club. We pulled a shirt out each, it was lucky dip, I got no.14, the famous shirt worn by Martin Hayes, Mark "Goonah" Williams got Mickey Thomas' No 4 and Skipper Pete Northcott had to be difficult and dig around for the No.6 shirt, even though it had shrunk to Barbie size after numerous washes. In that figure hugging top he looked like the lead singer of Right Said Fred.

So knowing that the proper Arsenal had once sweated in these shirts we took to the field with the following line-up :

                        Fullman

King            Northcott(c)   Cook             Vince

Palmer          Kerry         Williams          Melis
(Eghoetz H/T)
                Watkins       McNaught(Skeels H/T)

We were surprised to find out that at least one of the Man Utd team was from Manchester, but the rest were obviously fair weather, strutting about in their poncy shirts with the same arrogance that the real united players have. Shades of Roy Keane, Dennis Irwin, Nicky Butt and Gary Pallister were all evident in the snarling deformed ref-abusing faces of the red Manc list team. We were going to enjoy this, and in the first half we gave a solid passionate display which should have yielded us the lead. We had a perfectly good goal disallowed, Barry Watkins held off the defender and laid the ball square to myself who had bombed it into the area after losing my marker, I took one touch and steered it past the keeper into the far corner. Seeing as my goals are about as rare as Helders I went on a doolally run like Tardelli in the 82' world cup, using all of my energy in the process. The referee had given the goal, but the linesman was flagging for some strange reason. I was at least two yards on-side, not even the Manc players were contesting that decision. The officials were all players from the Leeds team, I'll give the linesman the benefit of the doubt and say that he is a complete prick who doesn't know the rules of football as opposed to a cheating northern bastard who was making a "political" decision to stop the best team in the group from winning. But later on in the half he did it again, when a player ran from deep and got his head to a cross, he flagged again, luckily the header went over otherwise the linesman would have been losing some teeth. Mark King also went close in the first half, muscling past two markers and sidefooting just wide. Half time score a disapointing 0-0.

In the second half, Darren Skeels came on for Duncan McNaught and the untried Canadian Will Eghoetz replaced Nick Palmer. The Manc players began to increase their nasty niggly foul count. A few of our lads were whacked off the ball, I was raked down the thigh and the scum contested every 50 - 50 challenge as if it was their divine right to have a smooth ride from the ref. Unfortunatley, by the time we began to mix it with them we were two goals down in quick succesion, one was a good header and the other a low drive from the edge of the area. We let ourselves down badly in the second period and with only a 15 minute half it was too late to come back. Most of our team had a poor second half and to say we were choked about losing would be an understatement, we were the better side, but we couldn't raise our game for the contest. Keith Vince was raging "If we can't raise ourselves for this then what can we raise ourselves for?" and Mark King basically said "Remember who we represent", and to be honest, we were pretty cack in that second half. Of course, there are the if's and but's about the linesman's decisions in the first half, but that's history now. Most of our players refused to shake hands with the scum after the game and one day we'll look forward to a re-match.

Rob Leslie of the Internet H*tspurs (affectionatley known as Teddyw@nk because of his startling resemblance to Sheringham) limped over to ask how we got on. We told him we'd won convinceingly. We asked how they'd got on, and they'd lost to Middlesboro 2-1 after going 1-0 up. Apparantley the Boro kicked the shit out of them as well which was doubly nice. Well done Boro.

Our next game was against Leeds, we needed to win both our remaining matches to qualify for the semi-finals and hope other results went our way, only the group winners went through so a lot of pressure was on. As a way to calm our nerves we watched some of the other games, the bizarre match up of AEK Athens and Stockport Co was taking place and whenever the Greeks scored their whole management, supporters and subs bench ran onto the pitch. So we did the same, Mark King made the unfortunate mistake of sliding along the ground on his chest and we all jumped on top of him and shagged up his ribs. Heh heh heh. The Greeks thought we were nutters, and of course we are. Then we watched Spurs against Notts Co, Spurs didn't have their strongest squad, their "coach" Ivan Cohen PhD, had to play (who looks like Danny DeVito) as well as some of their weaker squad members like Bernard Bresslaw, who tries hard but being 6' 7" doesn't have the greatest turn of pace matron. Spurs won 3-2, but that didn't stop us giving some light hearted abuse to their players.

So we fielded the following team against Leeds.

                           Fullman
                        (Shulman 5mins)
King            Northcott(c)    Cook            Vince

Eghoetz         Kerry           Williams        Melis (McNaught H/T)

                Watkins         Skeels

After some intial pressure which we coped with easily we began to open up and create chances, a couple of goalmouth scrambles almost gave us the lead, the best chance coming to top scorer Skeels who lashed his shot on the turn against a defenders head before the ball rebounded to safety off the crossbar. We were stroking the ball around and looking comfortable but we couldn't convert our possesion into goals. The second half was more even, but I thought we edged it on chances, Mark Williams put in cross after cross, but no-one was there to convert, in the last couple of minutes, disaster! A long range effort swerved and dipped and bobbled in front of Shulman, he couldn't hold on and a Leeds forward was first to the ball to poke home even though Julian got a touch. Gutted! We lost again and we were out of the tournament.

After a short spell of depression where we sat around not saying anything, we realised Spurs were playing again, this time against Colchester, so we cheered ourselves up by cheering on the Essex boys. Unbelievably Spurs were struggling at 1-1, then Colchester scored. We went apeshit and charged onto the pitch jumping on their goalscorer. Colchester scored a further goal and when they scored this one they ran towards us as well and like separated lovers we would meet mid- pitch and embrace longingly, quite funny at the time but pretty embarrasing looking back. More abuse followed for the Spurs and we felt quite happy again.

Some of our team took to officiating to pass the time, Mark Kerry and his linesman Keith Vince and Tony Fullman did both the QPR - Villa game (3-0 QPR) and the Colchester - Notts Co game (5-0 Colchester). QPR were looking strong as usual, although we've always doubted whether their team comprises solely of list subscribers. Had we'd had the luck of the other teams, QPR would have been our main threat in this competition.

Our last game was against Derby Co who had lost both their games too, so with no pressure on us, we were going to enjoy ourselves and fielded the following side :

                        Shulman

King            Northcott(c)    Cook            Vince

Palmer          Dickson         Williams        Melis (McNaught 20mins)

                Powell          Skeels

Man Utd were dirty, Leeds were hard, but Derby were the worst of the lot, not because they were malicious, just plain clumsy. Not being experienced footballers they were a liability to play against because they were so thick, they didn't know how to tackle. Mark Williams, who has suffered two cruciate knee ligament injuries in his career blames it on "clumsy northerners who don't know how to tackle", now I can see his point. We did quite well against Derby, the most loyal man at Cybury big Matt Powell was always a threat in the air and held the ball up very well, Nick Palmer and Mark King were motoring down the right and Simon Dickson was flying in and out of tackles and linking well with the team in an unfamiliar central midfield position. A special moment for Simon came midway through the first half when he finally broke his Cybury duck, side footing a Nick Palmer pass into the top corner. I think everyone in the midlands must have heard the Ulsterman's roar of happiness as he ran round the pitch screaming. McNaught a second half sub for me added a second, and then Simon added to his goal tally... in his own net. And I have to say, it was a bloody good goal. An attempted clearance on the turn ended up looking like a Klinnsmann volley which fizzed into the roof of the net, nearly knocking Keith's head off in the process. Apart from that blemish, Simon had an excellent game! We won the game 2-1.

As I had been subbed (fortunatley for me as I had grabbed a 6'3 Derby player round the neck after he clobbered me - I never get someone my own size, it's always the biggest bastard in the team) anyway, as I had been subbed, I got to watch the important Leeds - Man Utd game which would decide our group winners. Players from loads of teams were watching the match. Arsenal's subs, Boro, Spurs, Colchester, Notts Co, Southampton, Wolves, Villa, WBA etc, etc, etc, basically nearly everyone, and everyone was cheering on Leeds. Now the Man Utd players might be really nice blokes, but frankly no one gave a shit. They chose to wear those shirts, so they should expect the abuse to go with it. I mean, I'm a reasonably pleasant chap but if I wore an SS officers uniform then I'd expect to get some stick, and rightly so. At least you can respect the internet h*tspurs, their players are proper fans, not bandwagon jumpers, after all, when was the last trophy spurs won? Basically, it serves the ManUre supporting bastards right! When Leeds scored mayhem broke out as everyone invaded the pitch and hugged the Leeds players, you should have seen the Man Utd players faces, I gave the Man Utd bloke that raked my thigh a big grin as I jumped up and down past him hugging my ugly Leeds central defender. What joy. I thought he was going to cry. All around me I could see these shirts from different teams, cheering and singing, it was like that Nike all star team (but obviously us lot are shit). A Southampton player next to me, who'd just finished snogging the Leeds goalscorer said it was the "United Colours of EuroNet" which a few people found quite funny. When it all calmed down and the match kicked off again and everyone was chanting "If you hate Man Utd clap your hands" and of course everyone did. This time when a Man Utd player whinged about a decision the chant of "It's only cos you're losing" came up, so they were forced to shut up and get on with the game. Leeds won, great result, but of course in reality the Internet Leeds team are rather like their real life counterparts, all huff and puff and no quality, QPR would piss all over them in the semi-finals, and Leeds surrendered horribly 5-1.

As we were knocked out we went for a drink and didn't bother watching anymore games, sore losers? Yep, damn right. We walked past the shell-shocked Man utd players giggling to ourselves, one of them was wearing the infamous Man Utd grey top, Darren asked him to stand still as it was "difficult to pick him out". Heh heh heh. Cruel bastard.

Middlesboro were the eventual winners, I'm glad they did it. QPR might have been overconfident in the final and they paid for it. Well done to the Boro, but next year we'll be winning that cup!

Report by Mel Melis